Kindness (maitrī/mettā) is emphasized in many Buddhist teachings. Due to this, it can feel like a natural assumption that kindness is a quality that must be worked on or developed. We may also feel like the capacity for feeling kindness may have grown weak or even absent over time. Recollecting back through our lives we may recall that kind inclinations arose quite naturally as small children, but as we grew older it may feel like the capacity for kindness hardened or grew jaded.
Is it really so difficult to get back to the way we were as children?
Uncovering kindness
Instead of viewing kindness as having diminished in some way, it might be more helpful to picture it as having been obscured or covered over. Kindness is actually still just as present for each of us now as it was when we were very young, but proper perspective is needed to find it. The secret lays in properly uncovering it. Once uncovered it must be allowed to operate freely and with wisdom.
Kindness is present all throughout life
Kindness, as well as related qualities like compassion and forgiveness are actually naturally occurring responses that motivate actions and responses all throughout life. If curiosity arises around this, take notice of how naturally feelings of kindness and friendliness manifest in things like:
- The hope that a young child not be harmed.
- Wishing that a dear pet be treated with care.
- In attempting to adjust the body when it grows uncomfortable.
One of the things that links these three examples is that they all share a natural wish for things to be nice. It feels nice for a child to feel safe, for a pet to be treated well and for the body to be more comfortable.
But that is not the only place kindness is already operating naturally. Kindness and compassion have also been present in other forms that may not be as easily recognizable. It may not be apparent, but kindness is also the core motivation behind each the three poisons:
- Greed
- Hatred
- Ignorance
If examined closely, it is revealed that the root motivation within each of the three poisons is a simple and naturally occurring attempt to move life towards feeling better.
- Greedy impulse wishes to get more of what feels better.
- Hateful impulse wishes to protect from and to move away from what feels worse.
- Ignorant impulse tries to “not know” about what doesn’t feel good, and directs interest towards what does feel good.
The root motivation in each poison is still kindness. It is mistaken perspective that leads to these actions causing harm and vexation.
Presence and wisdom are the keys to natural kindness
Fortunately, uncovering natural kindness that is wise just requires a perspective shift, away from mistaken motives rooted in delusion and towards the uncluttered simplicity of wisdom.
When thoughts and responses arise, check to see how they will potentially affect all involved. Notice how the potential action feels in the body as well. Unwise actions tend to arise paired with feelings of contraction, burning or unwarranted certainty. Wise actions on the other hand come with curiosity, patience and ease.
Noticing how actions affect other things and other beings leads to increasing interest in the art of acting in ways that feel like a good fit. Feeling how it goes as action is taken helps in noticing if anything needs to change or be approached differently.
This shift that transforms each of the three poisons into kind and wise engagement can happen in the present moment. Curiosity, presence and wise perspective dramatically change how kindness manifests.
The same naturally occurring motivation to feel nice that drives selfish or unskillful actions can transform and drive wise and friendly acts. The difference is engaging from a wise perspective.
Practices that uncover these natural qualities
If you would like to explore experientially, each of the following methods can serve as a gateway into uncovering kindness that is immediately accessible in the here and now. It is my hope that you will discover this first-hand.
Welcoming everything
- Rest awareness back, zoomed-out.
- Whenever any phenomena draws attention, welcome it genuinely, without prior evaluation or hesitation then release paying attention to it.
- Welcome anything felt to be subject (me) as well as object (what is sensed by me).
- Welcoming can be wished each time something shows up in awareness. As momentum grows, a more continuous attitude and wish of welcoming can be worked with.
- No need to try and concentrate or keep the mind on any object. Simply welcome whatever is experienced without prior evaluation or hesitation.
- Welcome: drowsiness, alertness, wandering mind states, stability, dullness, clarity, the sense of “the observer”, wanting, not liking, the “wanter/not-liker”, confidence, doubt, thoughts, lack of thought, the “thinker” sadness, happiness, pleasantness, unpleasantness, the “feeler” etc.
At first it may feel like welcoming is something we must do or create. As the practice grows more familiar welcoming is revealed to be a natural part of curiosity and acceptance of what is taking place.
Tapping into natural kindness
- Place the body in a comfortable and stable position that makes it easy to rest one hand on the opposite arm.
- Pillows, blankets, a tabletop or the body may all be used to find a comfortable position for the arms.
- Take one hand and find a spot on the other hand, wrist or forearm where the touch feels welcome, kind and comfortable. Rest the hand here and relax.
- Let this comfortable touch settle in. Begin to directly experience and to rest in what this touch feels like moment to moment.
- It may be helpful to notice how welcome this pleasant touch is, or how nice it would be to be comforted in this way by a loved person or pet.
- As kind and comforting touch is experienced, let it relax, open and soothe body and mind regardless of what other thoughts, feelings or sensations show up.
- The feelings of kindness and comfort will begin to spread naturally throughout the experience.
- There is no need to keep the experience limited to just the point of touch now. Lightly notice as more and more, these qualities of kindness and comfort seep throughout the whole felt experience.
- Let these kind and comfortable feelings naturally fill and suffuse body, mind and awareness.
- Rest here, relax and let all of experience be filled and soothed by natural comfort and kindness. No need for distinctions or discrimination.
Prostrations and forgiveness
- Stand upright, feet together with hands placed palm-to-palm in front of or above the heart center.
- Say or think:
- “I’m sorry.”
- Say or think:
- Keeping the hands in the same position, bow deeply.
- Say or think:
- “Please forgive me.” or “I forgive you.”
- Say or think:
- Get down on all fours, then flatten the body down by bending the knees and settling back. Let the forehead touch the ground and turn the palms face up.
- Say or think:
- “Thank you.”
- Say or think:
- Stand back up, hands again placed palm-to-palm in front of or above the heart center.
- Say or think:
- “I love you.”
- Say or think:
- Repeat this cycle as many times as you like.
- Try repetitions of 3, 36, 108 or more prostrations. Throughout the process, just see what comes to mind, and whatever comes up, meet it with these four phrases and the act of prostration.
The releases of the heart
- Place the body in a comfortable, alert and stable position.
- Gently evoke and experience feelings of kindness.
- You may find imagining a kind act or caring for an animal or baby may help evoke natural feelings of kindness. The instruction above for tapping into natural kindness may also be used.
- Whenever the mind wanders or tension or resistance are noticed, simply relax body and mind, gently smile with body and mind, then return to evoking and experiencing feelings of kindness.
- As this process repeats and builds momentum, pleasure or energy will begin to be experienced as well in body and mind. Simply notice it and continue gently evoking and experiencing kindness.
- Stay with evoking and experiencing kindness. The pleasure and energy will naturally change and refine over time, moving from coarse and higher-intensity to increasingly refined and subtle.
- Eventually an equilibrium will be reached, and kindness will come be intermixed with deep equanimity. This develops into the release of the heart through kindness.
- Continue evoking and experiencing kindness. The kindness will take on a new, softer and more subtle quality. As it does, the experience will open up into a feeling of spaciousness without end.
- As this form of kindness (compassion) comes into balance with spaciousness without end, the release of the heart through compassion will develop.
- Continue evoking and experiencing kindness. The compassion will take on a new, stronger and joyful quality. As it does, the experience will open up into a feeling of consciousness without end.
- As this form of kindness (joy) comes into balance with consciousness without end, the release of the heart through joy will develop.
- Continue evoking and experiencing kindness. The joy will take on a new, very refined and equanimous quality. As it does, the experience will intermix with a feeling of no “things”-ness.
- As this form of kindness (equanimity) comes into balance with no “thing”-ness, the release of the heart through joy will develop.
- Continue practice to see where it goes.